sleep...

i went home last night with a terrible headache and a slight fever...i went straight to bed and just wanted to stop myself from thinking too much. thinking bout things don't help...it never did.

i felt like i was able to sleep like a baby. a good 10 hours have passed when i woke up. i was supposed to feel a lot better after...but nope, i didn't. i was disappointed that i woke up. i should've slept forever instead.

there are times when i wish i'd die in my sleep. i sometimes pray not to wake up anymore. i sleep when i want to escape the reality...i sleep when i want to feel at peace and safe...i sleep when i feel like giving up.

i want to sleep forever.
i am tired. really, really tired.

please, make me sleep and never wake up again.

...maybe i deserve to be treated like this.

yeah..maybe that's it.

i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...

i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...

why do i always have to feel that i am wrong and i falling short of everybody elses' expectations? all my life, i've been struggling to prove myself to people: friends, family, everybody. no matter what i do, and no matter how hard i try...i still fail.

sometimes i just wish that i wasn't born at all. when i came, i put lives in a big mess. growing up, i put people into big trouble and made them sacrifice a lot...and now, i'm still that same old pain-in-the-ass nonsense creature.

i can't seem to make anything that will make people happy nor proud of me. well, sometimes i do...but the aftermath would be a lot more devastating and frustrating. it's as if i never did anything right in my entire existence. i can't make sound decisions...i can't make feasible plans and worst, i can't even make my own life right.

i am tired. i wish i can just say "enough" and leave. but geesh, if i do that...i'd still be the one to blame.

what to do?

i realized...
... that no matter what i do, i will never be enough.
... that i'll always be at fault
... that i deserved to be wronged
... that i am one selfish biatch
... that i never really know what is love and how to love
... that i dont deserve any better
... that nobody needs me

i hate myself and i wish i'd get lost and rot in hell.