i hate you for making me vulnerable.
and i hate you for making me feel bad now that i am not talking to you.

i hate you.
and yet, my love for you is stronger.

crap.

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

-------------------------------
my current fave song...exactly what i've been feeling.

are there times when you feel like you're going nowhere? you've been trying so hard to make a difference and yet, nobody seems to know about it? and even they knew, they seem not to appreciate it?

you feel like you can do so much, but the world's pulling you down...somehow telling you that you don't deserve to be up there...and that no matter what you do, people will still look down at you.

you want to be given a chance...one chance to show the world that there's so much you can do...you want to prove to the world that you deserve to be on the spotlight even for once. or at least you deserve to have your dreams realized.

sometimes we become impatient of waiting...we get tired...and in the end, we'd stop believing in ourselves. and instead of proving them wrong, it's like we've finally succumbed to what they've thought about us right from the start....that we are useless and worse, bound to lose.

when you are starting to feel that way, take time to sit back and assess yourself...is there anything that you could've been doing wrong? is there anything else you need to improve on? if you think there's none, don't stress yourself too much. just like what the song has been telling us, take things one step at a time. there's a reason why things happen...and if it's bound to happen, it will happen. if not, i am sure there are still a lot of things out there for you. just wait and see...

tata!

no air...

...i was successful in crying myself to sleep last night, that i didn't even wash my face. my head's aching so bad and i feel like i can only keep my eyes half-open because they're too sore from crying. i looked at myself in the mirror and cried all the more...feeling sorry for myself, feeling alone and scared.

(sighs)

i woke up this morning and checked my phone...i was waiting for his text "mahal, what do you want for lunch?" then his text came saying that he's there already and he's just using his friend's fone to text. i cried again. it all went back to me now...he's gone. he's there and i'm here alone.

crap.

my head's aching again...i've been crying for more than 3hrs now...straight. i know i'm being stupid, but i can't help it.

we've been together for almost 15yrs...and been together almost everyday for almost 8yrs. and now, everything have changed...and it's killing me. it's like taking away the air from you. i feel like choking and gasping for air.

i miss him. terribly.



...

i am not feeling well.
for days now, i feel like i have a flu.
my muscles feel sore, my eyes feel sore and i feel so effin' bloated when in fact, i haven't been eating well for days now.
i am feeling too lazy to move...to come to work...even smile.
all i want to do is to lie down, not sleep...but just lie down and do nothing.
i try to stay calm, composed and stop myself from crying each time i talk to you.
i try to act as if i'm okay, when in fact, i am not.

i want to hold you so tight and never let go
i want to be selfish and ask you not to go
now, just thinking of you leaving makes me wanna cry...

(sniff)

i came to work early tonight...
you left to have dinner with some friends.
i told you i can't join you because i am having a meeting, but the truth is, i just dont want to go and spend time with you. weird, huh!?

i dunno, maybe i want to get used to not being with you anymore.

(sigh)

past midnight, i stepped out of the office and went to starbucks.

i am not hungry, but my tummy tells me i need to eat...
then i remembered...i used to have midnight snacks like this with you. you'd visit me during my break and treat me to coffee and waffles. sometimes, you'd take me to yellow cab and make fun of me while i munch my pizza like there's no tomorrow.
now, i am eating alone...and will be eating alone for the days to come.
i miss those late night snacking...
those nasty comments you'd shoot at me when i overeat and then complain bout my weight afterwards...and i'd surely miss the flowers you bring me as a surprise for just-because occasions...and most of all, i will miss being with you.
no more pigging out on Baliwag chicken/liempo...
no more DVD marathons...
no more petty quarrels when all i want is for you to bring home some cake or icecream as a peace offering...
no more lazy weekends when we spend the entire day eating, sleeping and watching whatever's being shown on TV...
no more movie marathons (in cinema) on weekends when we'd find our eyes sore from watching 2-3 movies in one day...

nobody to go home to...
nobody to mess around when i just finished cleaning...
nobody to complain bout my makeup scattered around...
nobody to carry my big, heavy traincases when i go to wherever...
nobody to hold me and hug me tight and assure me that everything will be alright when i'm having a tough day, or at the brink of killing somebody who's causing me too much stress...
nobody to kiss me goodnight...
nobody to take care of me when i'd like to be treated as a baby...and nobody to baby when you are feeling sick because you were caught up in the rain (yes, you are that sickly...beh)
i'm gonna miss you, mahal...can you just not leave?
sniff....

...and i'll be dead.

yaiks.

not literally, though. but i'd definitely feel like i am going to be dead in 10 days. why? X will be leaving for abroad 10 days from now...and this is the first time that we'll be that far apart in 15 years (well, almost) that we've been together. sucks eh?

worse is we've been busy lately with a lot of things. me on my finals in school and now on my upcoming first-ever makeup gig on the weekend, and him, well on other things.

no.effin'.time.for.each.other.

darn.

honestly, i don't want him to go. why? well, for a lot of obvious reasons.
1. as i've said, this is the first time we'll be this far apart
2. it's not that i dont trust him, but okay....i don't trust him when he's with his guy friends just because of his over-pakikisama
3. he's sickly and can be such a baby when he's not feeling well. who's going to look after him when he's over there? the thought of somebody else doing it makes me wanna strangle somebody else's neck.
4. let's face it, the place he's going to is considered to be one of the sin cities of the world. too much freedom. too many temptations. freedome + temptation + friends = not a good idea (not at all!)

but what can i do? he wants to go, simply because he wants to save more. but heck, i really dunno. friends ask me if i dont trust him that much. maybe i dont. people who know our whole story would understand why i feel this way...while the rest think i'm just being a paranoid gf.

i want to get my mind off those thoughts...but how?

i can seriously enumerate a lot of ways...but let's not even go there. not a good idea, either.

so what's left for me to do?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

it really sucks....it really effin' sucks!